Cobra Commander's Holy Luncheon
by Secondpillow
Summary: Cobra enters the secret sanctuary of the chrome egg and discusses groceries with his friends who live in his nipples.


Cobra Commander sits upon a chrome egg. It floats in a void tinctured with violet and rose nebulae. He is free from his foolish co-workers who would disrupt and demean him. He undoes the buttons on his coat's chest flaps. His head tilts back. A stream of utterances gurgles from his throat as he massages his chest. A snake emerges slowly from each opening. Their serpentine bodies undulate. Their heads are human in form. The left snake, Lamuke, wears a blonde wig. Cobra Commander jolts slightly.

"What is this betrayal? You would disrupt my chill zone with such vanity?"

Lamuke responds with a sassy flip of his head.  
"You underestimate me, Cobra Commander. I can pupate 3,456 wigs within a single day. With hair as lustrous and perfect as mine, we will have an unlimited revenue stream. We can buy an army greater than that of any developed nation. Our blonde curls will enmesh all civilization!"  
Himesis, the right snake, rolls its eyes.  
"Just where do you plan on purchasing this army? The army store?"  
Lamuke pauses. It retches. A bulge travels up its throat, until it retches out a slimy but fashionable gift box out. It places the wig in the gift box and shuts the lid. The box vanishes in a puff of stardust. Lamuke turns to Himesis.

"That's exactly where we will get our army. The Army Store. The Lenticular Conjunction is coming, so there will be good deals on tank beasts and gogknockers. And we can use a 40% off coupon."  
Cobra Commander sighs.  
"You forget that we're banned from the Army Store!"

"And whose fault is that?" asks Himesis.

Cobra Commander crosses his arms.

"Whoooo?" asks Lamuke.  
"It's not my fault that they wouldn't let me return that cottage cheese."  
Lamuke rises to Cobra Commander's mirrored face.

"You tried to return an opened cottage cheese."

"People return opened food to stores all the time!"

Himesis peers over its tiny spectacles.

"Why did you even get cottage cheese in the first place? Why not just get yogurt?"  
Cobra Commander buries his face in his hands, jostling the snakes.  
"Not this again."

"Cottage cheese is an abomination. It's full of chunks and it has no probiotic bacteria."

Lamuke touches his head with his tongue. Bits of hair are sprouting out. Another wig is well on its way to harvest.

"You just don't like cottage cheese because you had that dream that you died in a tub of it."

"I'm having that dream right now," says Cobra Commander.

"How about this?" asks Himesis. It bites itself viciously. Cobra Commander yelps in pain.  
"How is that even remotely fair? How does that even work?"

"The same way it works when you return cottage cheese to the store with one bite taken out. You're branded as living garbage and you wallow in your trash life forever."

"It was too runny, and it had a weird tangy taste."

Lamuke clears his throat. Cobra Commander looks up. An enormous flower floats by.

"What?" asks Cobra Commander.

"Shh!" The snakes freeze. They remain still until the flower is gone. Cobra Commander bristles.

"What's wrong with you fools? That flower was just asking to be stomped."  
"That was no ordinary flower that is huge beyond reason," says Himesis. "That was the Seer of Ends."

Cobra Commander nods. "Yes. Yes. Why don't we kill it? For fun?"

"I'd trade a nuked potato to see you try," says Lamuke, "But not while I'm attached to your weirdo body."

Himesis wiggles its bow tie. "The Seer of Ends is a force of calamity. It feeds on movement. A monster of the void, dank with dread powers. Only by remaining still can you escape it."

Cobra Commander thinks. "I don't care about any of that. I'm hard for action. Lamuke, I'm bored of your get rich slow schemes. I'm going to kill that flower and eat its babies."

Cobra dives off his chrome egg and paddles toward the giant flower, like an olympic swimmer who's ready for high-fives and cheese crackers. The flower turns to face him. It blooms an eye dotted with three pupils, each juicy with arcane doom. It aims a cloud of laser knives at Cobra's groinals, but he dodges it . The knives whizz past him and blow up a passing school bus. Cobra grabs a petal and tugs with all his might. The Seer sprouts jagged thorns all over its body, piercing Cobra Commander's hands, but he calls upon his reserves of rage at being made fun of in kindergarten for being a mirror face, and the pain from being pincushioned by this cosmic freak is nothing to the hurt dished out by those garbage children. He rips the petal out, folds it into a paper airplane, and throws it into the Seer's eye. It thrashes and wails like a widower from old-fashioned times. Cobra doesn't wait for it to die as he drinks the life juices from its gaping death hole. He goes back to his chrome egg, drinks a bit of green tea, and takes a nap.


End file.
